Why Do I Feel Disconnected?

(and What Can I Do About It?)

Have you ever felt disconnected at church? Maybe you’re a new member, or maybe you’ve been a member for a while, but your life circumstances have made it difficult to get involved in many of the programs or classes.

Disconnection is an uncomfortable feeling, especially in the context of the church. We are supposed to be a community of believers who support and care for one another. But what if it just doesn’t feel that way?

There are many reasons we may feel disconnected from our church community:

• Perhaps you tried attending a small group and you never really “clicked” with the people in it. Or maybe you’ve been in a class or group for years, and you’ve recently felt more distant and disconnected from others, even as you attend regularly.
• You may feel disconnected if you are focusing more on programs than people. Programs may have changed their format or scheduled times. Maybe they look different than they did before, and they don’t feel worth returning to.
• Perhaps you are parent with small children, or you have a child with special needs. As every parent knows, there are seasons of life when attending certain kinds of church programs may be difficult or even impossible due to the needs of your family.
• Perhaps you have medical needs that prevent you from attending as often as you would like, or perhaps your work schedule has become more demanding.
• Maybe some of the programs you’ve attended in the past felt more like social clubs than opportunities to connect with other believers around God’s Word.

Any of these scenarios (and plenty of others) may at times cause feelings of disconnection or even isolation.

These feelings can leave us asking a crucial question: WHY? Why keep coming if I feel disconnected? Why put in the effort? Why attend this class or program? Why am I here?

That’s a great question – and one we ask as a church at large. Why do we do the things we do as a church? Why meet together on Sunday morning? Why have Sunday Classes, Community Groups, or other programs?

The easy answer is “to connect us together around the Word.” But is there more to it than that? To answer that question, let’s consider what church is NOT:

• Church is not primarily a social gathering.
• Church is not an activity.
• Church is not a program.
• Church is not a group of friends.

All of these things may happen within the church, but they are not primarily what the church IS. Here’s a definition from Jonathan Leeman of 9 Marks Ministries that is helpful: 

A local church is a group of Christians who regularly gather in Christ’s name to officially affirm and oversee one another’s membership in Jesus Christ and His kingdom through Gospel preaching and Gospel ordinances. 

In other words, the church is a community of believers that exists to glorify God and edify one another. For all churches, at all times, in all places, this definition remains the same. However, the way that looks – the way it is carried out – will differ based on the specific circumstances of any given local church and its individual members.

At Calvary, we meet together on Sunday morning to worship God corporately as the local church. In addition to this primary gathering, we also have numerous other “small gatherings” on Sunday and throughout the week. But why? Why do we have these small groups and classes? Just as importantly, how can we solve the problem of disconnection within the church?

Let’s start with that first question.

Why Small Groups?

Whether we’re talking about Sunday Classes, Community Groups, Sunday evening classes, Bible studies formal and informal, or other small gatherings, there are three key reasons we should all seek to connect on a smaller-group level:

#1: Because we CARE about each other.

“Do you even care?” That’s a pointed question, and if someone asks you that, it may feel like an attack. We all want to be known as caring people. But beyond that, we MUST be known as caring people because that is what the New Testament calls us to be. Even a speed-read of Ephesians 4 and Colossians 3 should make clear that Christians are to love and care for each other.

But it’s hard to do that when we don’t know each other or when the size of the audience is overwhelming. That’s the whole purpose of our various small group programs: to take a large group of people and break them down into smaller venues where everyone knows each other’s name, story, and needs.

Many of our Sunday Classes, for example, are focused on a shared life experience like college, newly married couples, or young families. Even the classes that are not aimed at specific life stages have a common focus that brings people together. This focus allows each group to truly and deeply care for each other in a way casual church friendships simply can’t.

Community Groups also help accomplish this goal by purposefully mixing people together from different life stages. Care can flourish in a deep way if people are willing to do the hard work of getting to know others who are different from them. There is perhaps nothing quite so radical in our disconnected, divided age than to see deep friendships between widows and young couples, college students and families, young and old members.

In these small groups, we can pray for one another, encourage one another, and sharpen one another as we study God’s Word together. Outside of the class or group, we can maintain connection through something as simple as sending a text letting someone know we’re praying for them.

These small groups also help our pastoral team know and care for our Calvary family by providing information, communicating needs, and sharing prayer requests for each member. Our care system at Calvary is contingent on our classes, and we encourage every member to see how the Spirit may direct you to get involved in other’s lives through one of these groups.

#2: Because we want to LEARN.

A Sunday Class is, quite obviously, a CLASS. This means we focus on Bible education. Education is the focus of our Sunday evening classes as well, although many times these zero in on a particular area of application (such as Re|engage’s focus on marriage). In our Community Groups, we intentionally focus on learning through life application.

Each program seeks to educate in a different way. Some predominately feature discussions, some take a more traditional lecture style, and some do a mix. But the goal of our classes and programs is to teach truth and help others grow in their knowledge. This fills a much-needed role in a believer’s life as we learn to read, study, and interpret Scripture.

In our disconnected age, the way to connect is to have something to connect to – something to unify us. The truth of the Word of God is that unifying, central need! We often think of connection in the church in the context of deep friendships, not deep discussion of theological truths. But if we do not know who we are, who God is, and what our history and future are, how can we get to that deep level with one another?

It’s also important to remember that this learning and discussion doesn’t have to happen only in our formal church programs. Sometimes the best studies are done in an even smaller group: just a group of men or women gathering over coffee to discuss a book or Bible passage over a series of weeks.

#3: Because we want CONNECTION with our church family.

Small groups and classes are where you meet people, do activities together, and generally spend life together. They present opportunities to develop friendships with others, to see God use other believers to minister to you in whatever you’re going through, and to help others. We have created these smaller venues for this purpose. They provide a place where a large audience is broken down into smaller groups of members that know and love one another through every situation of life.

These stronger connections may not happen immediately. It may take a while before you develop deep, long-lasting friendships. But if you choose to pursue at least one venue of deeper relationships over the long haul – a  Community Group, Sunday Class, Sunday evening discipleship classes, or even an informal Bible study – then you will begin to develop essential connections within the church that help you grow in your Christian walk.

Commit to Connection

Let’s return to the question of disconnection. There are many reasons we may at times feel disconnected from our church community. What should you do when that happens to you or to someone you know?

As we discussed above, a class, community group, or Bible study may be exactly the right next step for you. Perhaps it’s time to move outside your comfort zone and try something new.

Sometimes, however, adding another program or evening out to your schedule may not be possible. Or perhaps you have started attending a class, but you still feel disconnected from the people around you.

In these cases, the problem isn’t the desire to participate. It’s that participation is not the same as true community and connection. I’d like to suggest two ways we as the church can prioritize people over programs by committing to connection, even when it’s hard:

1. If you feel disconnected: Look for opportunities to connect one-on-one. Iron-sharpening edification doesn’t always happen in a class or a program. Sometimes it happens in a coffee shop or at someone’s dining room table. If you’re not able to attend a program or you haven’t felt connected in a group, try asking someone to meet for coffee or inviting someone over for dinner. These one-on-one interactions often provide a context for greater connection with that person or family in the group setting as well.
   
2. If you feel connected and established: Look for others who aren’t.  Connection is a two-way street. It’s not always easy for a new person (or someone who struggles with social settings) to make friends in a church, especially when it feels like everyone is already established in a group. It’s vital that those of us who don’t struggle in this area always look for those who are “on the fringe.” After all, it’s one thing to attend a class. It’s another to know that someone is there who will be watching for you and happy to see you.
   
   Perhaps it’s a new parent who struggles just to make it to church on Sunday morning, much less to any other program. Perhaps it’s the person who works nights and can’t attend community groups or Sunday evening classes. We all know what it’s like to be the outsider. That’s why it’s so critical that we identify those people and “pull them in.” All it takes is one person to help someone feel welcomed and connected.

What Next?

I’d like to leave you with three action items to consider as we wrap up this discussion:

• Try Something New – If you aren’t currently attending any of the programs we offer at Calvary and you have the ability to do so, pick one new thing to try (see the list below!). Commit to attending for the fall semester and see how God will work.
• Reach In – If you don’t have the ability to attend a new class, or you are attending but you still feel disconnected, “reach in” by asking someone for help! Any of our pastors or class teachers would love to talk to you about how we can help you. Or, consider connecting with someone you know casually at church and getting to know them better.
• Reach Out – If you are attending and you have a well-established community around you, reach out to someone who doesn’t. Invite them to sit with you or connect with them outside of a scheduled program. This is how we love and edify one another as the body of Christ.

Our challenge for you as we enter the winter months is to commit to one of these three actions. It may take time to get to know others. It may require being “out of your comfort zone” at first to branch out and open your life up to a new group of people. But it’s worth it! This is how we as the church “stir up” one another to love and good works (Heb. 10:24). This can only happen in community.

Ready to Jump in?

Here’s what we have available this fall:

Sunday Classes (9:30 am) – Life on Mission series

Multi-Generational Classes are teacher-led or facilitator-led with defined age ranges:

• Abundant Life (adults 30+) – Main 204
• Encouragers (various ages) – Main 206
• Ambassadors (adults 50+) – Main 115
• Lamplighters (adults 50+) – Main 116
• Discussion Group: Neal Ring (all ages) – Main 202
• Discussion Group: Brandon Autry (all ages) – Music Suite

Focus Groups are teacher-led or facilitator-led with a clearly defined life stage or focus:

• College Students – basement of the Administration Building
• Young Professionals – A-1
• Young Marrieds (0-5 yrs. married) – Main 206
• Adult Bible Fellowship (+5 yrs. married) – Main 205
• Joyful Ladies (women) – Main 117
• Spanish-Speaking Class – Main 201

Community Groups (Midweek Evening) – Knowing God series

These are the general areas our groups meet. Sign up here to see what groups are closest to you.

Adult Discipleship Classes (Sunday evenings, 6:00 pm)

• Ladies (Finding God Enough): Tessa Barron
• Men (Godly Manhood from Jesus): Jerry Barron
• General Bible study (The Life of Christ): Chase Blankenship, Fall A
• Re|engage marriage ministry (begins at 5:30 pm)

Other Studies (Formal and Informal)

• Men’s Cross Training – Thursday (Greenville) or Friday (Simpsonville) mornings at 7:00 am
• Contact Matt Wells to see if there are any other informal groups that may be available for men or women.
• Create your own! If you feel a burden to go deeper, we encourage you to create your own study and invite friends or contacts to join you. If you need direction for what to study, who may be interested, etc., contact Matt Wells.